Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Magic Roundabout.

12 men washed up on the shore
of an island made of sand and shell
and with them came the wreckage of
the ship from which they fell.

How are we to survive!
thought each man in his horror
for none have useful tools
to keep hunger from the door.

But some fortune had indeed shone
of which at first they were unaware
for with them washed up on the beach
were 11 antique dining chairs.

Hooray! they shouted one and all.
We're saved at last, you see,
for the means of deliverance is at hand
for 12 antique dealers we will be!

So round and round the chairs did sell
and an economy they did create
from nothing they had built an empire
to stave off their cruel fate.

But why do I sit and rhyme
and upon these 12 a tale to dwell?
Well it just occurs to me that these men
a tale of HEMA they do tell.

Round and round the rabid repertoire runs.

Monday, 3 November 2008

Bored now.

Poor little HEMAboy
sitting in a /tree
wanted to be the only voice
that rants anonymous to thee.

Listen to my ranting
and ponder pon'st my 'pinions
and let me be the only rebel
that stirs up all you minions.

But anyone can post a rant
on the Internet.
It's a wide wide wide wide sea of tripe
for mostly offal you will get.

In t'internet a voice is tiny
As tiny as any other
Floating in a load of crap
of which most people are not bothered.

To quest for laurels on this medium
a fools quest this will be.
No-one's really listening
so words should be posted




But HEMAboy was full of fire
and vitriol was rife
I liked to read the sharpened words
cutting like a knife.

But now I'm slighty bored of HEMAboy
it started out quite pithy
but now the cutting barbs are blunted
which really is a pity.

He's just another voice now.
Aw well...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

We few, we happy few, we band of sparring watchers

It is sad that sparring videos get less views on youtube than the show pony ones.
Don't get me wrong, the show pony ones are nicely done, but why so many more views than sparring? Does it make them hold their manhoods cheap? Or perhaps, like me, it gives them raging boners, which are potentially troublesome if working as a school teacher (but not if you are a ninja).

Principal: Explain to me, Mr Willet, why did you burst into class after lunch today with your erect phallus protruding from your pants? Several children have had to be be sent for counselling.

Mr Willet: Well you see sir, I was watching some HEMA sparring videos on youtube at lunch and lost track of time. In my rush to return to class, I forgot about my the effect it has on me.

Principal: HEMA sparring videos?

Mr Willet: Yes sir, you know...swordfighting. Two men clashing their swords together in a battle for the true place, the best of which is behind them. It has wrestling and all, very popular in the olden days..even monks did it!

Principal: Mr Willet must I re-affirm our internet usage policy to you? Pornography is a dismissable offence.

Mr Willet: What? Usage poli... No I didn't mean that swordfighting!

"Oh but there are no good sparring videos out there! They all give HEMA a bad name!" say the new romantics.

Bullshit. There are some fantastic sparring videos out there. Drilling videos can be nice to watch, but it is no good doing a perfect drill if you can't use the techniques and principles of that drill in free fencing. Sparring videos show were people are really at with their training. So what we need are more good fencing videos and more good people watching them. Why? Because it encourages discussion of peoples TRUE form, not their drilling form.* Because it shows to the non-HEMA martial artists out there that HEMA is effectively pressure tested. Because it can reveal the failings in your drilling that couldn't otherwise be seen. Because it gives me a raging boner.

So make more sparring videos! Watch more sparring videos! And most importantly, discuss what you see in them!

*Well as close to the true for as we can get without actually fighting with swords for real.

Saturday, 18 October 2008

Why Fiore?

Seriously, are you Italian?

No. If you were you'd be too busy drinking coffee out of very small cups and riding scooters.

Do a proper English martial art like.....



Oh sod it, make mine an expresso.

Friday, 17 October 2008

Are Eye Pee

It's inevitable I suppose
on a blog that does decry
those features of the Double You Em Ay
to comment upon Ess Eff Eye.

It's been around for many years
A battle ground were many do aim
to fight for wider credability
to fight for their own 'name'.

Puffed up self important twats
slap dicks upon the table
and argue about the finer points of utterly utterly tedious passages in manuscripts that the rest of us are uninterested in or find of little use when sparring or simply know already because it's soooo blooody obvious
but we follow as best we're able.

Hah! I bet you didn't think
that last verse would actually scan
But sometimes it is good to get
as much into a line as one can.

For comic effect.
So there.

Despite the tiresome back and forth
that grace these academic travails
it's not the content that entertains
the Devil's not in the Details.

It's the argument itself that's fun.

The academic shuffling
I find a tedious read
but in all honesty most seem to think
that it's fun to watch 'names' breed

contempt for one another,
and contempt for that foul forum
regardless of the content
the arguments do seldom bore 'em.

It's not a place for reasoned talk
or collaboration
it's a place to strut and puff and huff
and strut and stride before the congregation
'I am best!',
'I know better!',
'You're a petty prole!'
'I've studied this stuff longer than you,
so shut your yapping hole!'
'Don't argue with me you little man!'

'With your trolling don't you bait!'
'I've studied this topic since time began!'
'And, the moderator's my best mate!'

No more reasoned talk
It's all a waste of breath
For it's now a circus full of clowns
It's a cage fight to the death.

And it's day 5 million of the Silver debate in the big brother household.

So settle down, enjoy the show
and perhaps you might take a look
in the advert breaks of this Hemazon
and purchase my new book.

Giving you the finger.

Why are fingers so ignored?
true, constant hits do make us bored
But fingers have an important role
It allows us to our weapon hold.

It's true.
You've gotta hold onto that sword.

But some clubs do ignore such stress
and will keep fighting regardless
of proposed defingeration
and ruin our hard wrough simulation.

What an utter waste of time
to fight those who see no reason nor rhyme
to concede defeat when they have lost
all their fingers but too no cost.

I hate that.


can do
and wood work
would work
or nylon
a denouement
but shiney steel
has truer feel
but needs gambeson
to play upon
and trades cuts
not up to much
that bamboo
can do
a compilation,
a derivation,
gives the sensation
that has correlation,
a blood relation,
to confrontation
with swords.